Political Satire

Mark Whitney is an award-winning American political satirist, playwright/performer, serial entrepreneur and constitutional scholar and the only spoken-word artist besides Drew Carey and Russell Brand to be profiled on Storylogue by mega-story guru, Robert McKee.

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  • "Polished. Funny. Moving. Terrific." ~Peter Marks, The Washington Post
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[Podcast] Rectal Rehydration: CIA hits bottom; Cheney: “Report is full of crap!”

“Aristotle said: ‘The rule of law is better than the rule of any one individual.’ For good reason. Take the most recent two presidents: The bilateral one shoves dinner up your ass. The unilateral one shoots a missile up your ass. Today’s show is set against the backdrop of two political parties sanctimoniously debating torture, when every member of Congress from both parties knows full well the authority post-9/11 presidents rely on to commit unlawful atrocities and human rights abuses: The 59 word domestic law passed 518-1 on September 18, 2001; one week after 9-11. We also check in with the 50 year old, admitted CIA Torturer due to be released from Federal prison on May 1, 2015.He did not go quietly. And if that’s not enough, you will also learn why U.S. Officials and U.S. Nationals can never be tried by the International Criminal Court for the war crime of Aggression. I’ve said this before, I’ll say it again: ‘This is our best show yet!’ Subscribe for free and with every bi-weekly upload you will feel a vibration in your pants. That’s the My Official Show guarantee!” Listen for free!

FEATURING

  • Shadoe Stevens: Official Announcer of My Official Show
  • Karen Wilson: Official Sidekick of My Official Show

CAST OF CHARACTERS

  • Barack Obama 00:55
  • South Park’s Surgeon General 02:30
  • Wolf Blitzer 03:25
  • Former CIA Director Michael Hayden 03:42
  • Fox News’s Bret Baier 04:55
  • Dick Cheney 05:06
  • Whistleblower John Kiriakou 15:19
  • Sarah Palin 17:13
  • Former Bush DOJ Ethics Attorney, Now Whistleblower Defense Counsel, Jesselyn Radack 21:23
  • Attorney General Eric Holder 26:58
  • Director of National Intelligence, James Clapper 33:32
  • Dianne Feinstein 34:13
  • CIA Director James Brennan 34:38
  • Senator Mark Udall 34:56
  • ABC News’s Jake Tapper to White House Press Secretary Jay Carney 36:57
  • Shepard Smith 43:58
  • FBI Director Robert Mueller 43:58
  • Secretary of Defensse Robert Gates 49:14
  • State Department Legal Advisor Harold Koh 64:43
  • George W. Bush 78:25

QUOTABLE

4:55
Brett Baier: But at one point, the report describes interrogators pureeing food of one detainee and inserting it in his anus; something the agency called ‘Rectal Rehydration.’ I mean, is that torture?
Cheney: Ah — um — I ah — I don’t know anything about that specific instance. I can’t speak to that. That was not one of the — ah — authorized or approved techniques. There were twelve of them as I recall.
Karen: Laughter.
Mark: They’re not authorized to puree. I specifically said sauté! What is this puree bullshit going on out there?! We gonna’ coddle these people?! What is wrong with that Asshole?! Was he dropped on his head as a baby down a flight of stairs made of oak?! What is wrong with Dick Cheney? If you’re a war criminal, don’t you know enough to stay out of a TV studio?
5:57
Mark: Here’s what Dick Cheney had to say.
Cheney: The report’s full of crap.
Mark: Yeah — because everybody’s shitting! The report is full of crap. Ya’ know, you’re Dick Cheney, what are ya’ gonna’ do?
Cheney: What are we supposed to do? Kiss them on both cheeks and say: ‘Please, please, tell us what you know? Of course not.
Mark: Of course not. You’re gonna’ shove dinner up his ass!

6:34
Mark: Only the Government could sell such a program to people and people would sit there and listen and then debate about whether it was appropriate or not to try to feed people through their ass.

Karen: Because they have a list of twelve that are–
Mark: yes–and this wasn’t on the list. What does that meeting look like. You’ve got all these assholes that graduated from West Point. They show up. They’ve all got four stars — five stars — seriously — they’re sitting in a secret room somewhere — they take their cocks out put ‘em on the conference table to compare size — someone gets out a notepad, they’ve got an intern, a stenographer and they’re throwing ideas out. Then someone goes: ‘What if we were to shove dinner up their ass?’ Nah. Can’t authorize that. Good idea though. That’s going too far. Even for Dick Cheney that’s beyond the pale.
8:17
This actually happened. This sound bite is real. This isn’t fucking satire. This is Dick Cheny in the safe confines of Fox News, being interviewed by Brett Baier, about whether or not the CIA was authorized to puree food for the purpose of feeding somebody through the ass, so you could keep them alive so you could then beat the shit out of them and hang them by chains in a dungeon in some far away country. It would be hilarious if it wasn’t true. This sounds like an act out you would hear on the Daily Show. It sounds like a spoof or a set up. Doesn’t it sound like fake news?
10:00
That’s why we are here engaged in the righteous cause of perfecting the union, exercising our authority as citizens under the First Amendment, to participate in this exercise known as self-government. This is not your mother’s podcast. We do rape, torture, war crimes, solitary confinement, all the fun stuff. If it’s not primal, if life as we know it is not on the line, it doesn’t make it on this show.
11:45
Mark: If I sound cocky it’s because I know I have a great story for you today. We’re going to explode a few myths. The opportunity in the story arc we are going to cover today, any opportunity I have to establish the bona fides of this program being non-partisan, in terms of not being tribal, not being Red or Blue, but going to official documents, official sources, official statements of official officials, that’s why it’s called My Official Show. Any asshole can have their own show and I qualify goddammit. Karen will tell ya’ that. We’ve known each other for fifteen years. I always look forward to a few hours a week being locked up in a container with my best friend’s wife. I mentioned Karen is wearing a scarf. What you don’t know is she’s not wearing anything else. And the scarf is strategically located, let’s just say.
Karen: I’ll just take off my scarf.
13:19
Nothing says hitting bottom like rectal rehydration.
14:21
If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it a million times, none of the CIA tortuers are in prison. None of them are in prison. That is not true. We’re going to explode that myth right now.
23:00
The President of the United States came out and said: ‘We tortured some folks.’ That’s an official statement. He didn’t do that when he was drunk at a frat house. He did that sober at the White House.
24:25
Think about it. If you are the President — if you are a sitting president — do you want to establish a precedent for making life difficult for former presidents, knowing the Constitution imposes term limits on you?
25:10
We’re having this very sanctimonious debate about the efficacy of torture, as if we just found out about it when we have John Kiriakou on the record saying, ‘Hey — yeah — this is going on.
25:40
It’s important to remember that the party in charge of the Intelligence Committee and the party in charge of the White House is not known for torture. But it is known for using industrialized weapons to fire Hellfire Missiles from nine miles in the sky at people as they travel peacefully through the desert even if those people are U.S. citizens.
28:00
Due process is very clear in the Bill of Rights. If you’re going to send a man to prison or put a man to death or a woman, you’re going to put a citizen to death, or you’re going to put them in a cage, there are certain things you have to do. The First Amendment says you’re free to move about the country, while the other amendments explain that if you’re the Government and you decide this person shouldn’t be free to move about the country, or in the case of some people, to move about the globe, well then there’s a series of — there’s a checklist — if you’re going to investigate the person you need to get a warrant, and if you’re going to indict the person you need to go down to the grand jury and ask for an indictment from that person’s fellow citizens, and once you have secured the indictment, you then can ask a judge to issue a warrant for that person’s arrest, you can then arrest that person, you can bring them in, there’s going to be an arraignment, the judge is going to say do you plead guilty or not guilty and you’re going to say not guilty, and then everyone’s going to get ready for a trial, and then 99 times out a hundred, the person’s going to plead guilty, then there’s going to be a sentencing hearing, and a judge will say, ah, well, you’re going to go to jail for this amount of time or hey — bad news — we’re going to kill you. That’s what the Bill of Rights requires.
29:00
The Obama Administration: The lawyers are much better than the Bush Lawyers. Much better. Eric Holder and his team they sat down and they read the Bill of Rights and they read the Fifth Amendment, and the Fifth Amendment says in all cases when the person is accused, certain things will happen. Then some Asshole in the back of the room — probably the same one who suggested rectal feeding — raises his hand and says: ‘What if we don’t accuse him?’ And they went: ‘Ah
ha! If we don’t accuse him then we can just fucking kill him!”
41:14
This show is about intelligent citizenship. If you are a citizen of this country and you cheer when the President of the United States shoots a fellow citizen with a Hellfire Missile, regardless of circumstances, if you cheer for that, you are cheering against your own interests. As citizens there’s a short list of things we should never debate: One of them is judicial process. Every citizen gets a judge before they are put in a cage or killed. No exceptions. That’s what the Bill of Rights says.
45:00
Whomever happens to be president is perfectly authorized — again by a bipartisan vote of 518-1, which is why this discussion about torture is completely sanctimonious — the President is authorized by a vote of 518-1, under this law, the Authorization to Use Military Force, [Public Law 107-40] passed a week after 9-11, a law that Obama himself has said should be repealed, if you don’t repeal it, I’m going to use it, so under this law the President is perfectly authorized to shoot a missile up your ass as you travel peacefully through the Mojave. It doesn’t have to be a desert in Yemen.
47:20
We have two administrations. One President shoves dinner up your ass. The next President shoots a missile up your ass. That’s how it goes. The lynchpin is they are relying on this domestic law passed a week after 9-11. Both parties today are sitting around debating torture and all of these politicians from both parties know damn well what authority these presidents are using to commit these atrocities.
48:07
This is about the law trying to catch up. There’s an old law that says torture is wrong. But the law has no concept of Hellfire Missiles being shot from flying robots. They haven’t had a meeting about that yet.
50:30
The United States is not at war with the nation of Yemen. But there is this law that says the President can do whatever he thinks is appropriate against any person on the planet. But if a person is on the planet they have to be standing in some country. It might be your country, it might be another country but they have to be standing some place. This U.S. citizen happened to be in Yemen. The missile comes out of the sky and the person is dead. Why is that not a
war crime that the President launched a missile into the nation of Yemen? Well, the defense is they weren’t targeting Yemen. The industrialized weapons are so advanced now, they actually targeted the skull of the citizen and in fact hit him directly on the skull. The fact that the missile then went through the person, immediately thereafter striking Yemen; that’s collateral damage. I’m not making this shit up! These people sit down and think this shit through and they are great lawyers. And they are so institutionalized by their ability as lawyers trained at Harvard and Yale, to sit down and find exceptions, to read between the lines and go: ‘Ah ha! Ah ha!’ — it’s not a war crime because we weren’t targeting Yemen. We love Yemen! We love the people of Yemen! We have no problem with Yemen. We do have a problem with this one guy in a jeep 50 miles out in the desert. So, you Yemen, you cannot now come back at us and say this is an act of war. In fact, we’re going to give you some money and you can do a press conference and say you invited us.
53:10
What we talked about, the week after 9-11 Congress passes a law basically giving the person who happens to be president a blank check — knock yourself out, whatever you think’s appropriate — right — we did that. That takes care of the domestic requirement. But there’s still something called international law. The International Criminal Court polices war crimes. So one day Obama is sitting there and he’s looking at the case of Charles Taylor, the President of Liberia.

 

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[Podcast] The Economics Of Fraternity Rape: Who pays when your frat becomes your co-defendant?

Litigation is a machine you enter as a pig and come out as a sausage. Imagine you want to open a frat house: (a) Where do you get insurance? (b) Who pays the premium? (c) Who pays the claim when Junior steps on his dick? (d) Why does your alma mater secretly love fraternities? Against the backdrop of the ongoing national discussion about rape and leveraging personal stories related to my own experience with the Federal criminal justice system, today we spin another great monologue. And in the course of identifying economic winners and losers, I go off on an epic rant about my love/hate relationship with the law and explain why nobody — and I mean nobody — really knows what the law is. Listen here for free!

 

QUOTABLE

  • “If you are a drunk driver and you run somebody down and kill them, the fact that you were drunk is not a defense. You can’t say, ‘I was drunk, your Honor. Let me go home!’ Because then everyone would be getting drunk before they killed the person they hated.”
  • “The fact that a woman is drunk is not consent to sex. The fact that she squeezes her ass into some hot jeans, puts on a tube top, and shows up 18 years old, at a frat house, on Friday night, and gets drunk — is not consent. It is not implied; it’s nothing. It’s just not. If she gets so drunk she’s unable to consent one way or the other, that’s rape.”
  • “When The Virginia Gentlemen sing: ‘Don’t ever let a Virginia Man an inch above your knee. He’ll take you to his fraternity house and fill you full of beer and soon you’ll be the mother of a bastard Cavalier’ — that’s rape in 50 states.” (See, e.g. Code of Virginia § 18.2-61. Rape. “If any person has sexual intercourse through the use of the complaining witness’s mental incapacity or physical helplessness he or she shall be guilty of rape.”) (emphasis added)
  • “The People actually got to see Eric Garner die. The people are not as innocent as they were even 10 years ago. And that’s a good thing.”
  • “If you black people weren’t there, white cops wouldn’t have to shoot you. That’s Rudy Guiliani.”
  • “The difference between civil litigation and criminal litigation? Civil litigation is about money. Criminal litigation is about time.”

Caitlin Flanagan, The Dark Power of Fraternities

“One warm spring night in 2011, a young man named Travis Hughes stood on the back deck of the Alpha Tau Omega fraternity house at Marshall University, in West Virginia, and was struck by what seemed to him—under the influence of powerful inebriants, not least among them the clear ether of youth itself—to be an excellent idea: he would shove a bottle rocket up his ass and blast it into the sweet night air. And perhaps it was an excellent idea. What was not an excellent idea, however, was to misjudge the relative tightness of a 20-year-old sphincter and the propulsive reliability of a 20-cent bottle rocket. What followed ignition was not the bright report of a successful blastoff, but the muffled thud of fire in the hole.” ~Caitlin Flanagan, The Dark Power of Fraternities

—–

Sabrina Rubin Erdely, Rolling Stone, Gang Rape, Caitlin Flanagan, The Dark Power of Fraternities, University of Virginia, The Virginia Gentlemen, $1 trillion, student loan debt, John Belushi, Animal House, Dartmouth College, Baker Library, TheLaw.net Corporation, Kappa Alpha, Delta Delta Delta, Sigma Chi, Sigma Alpha Epsilon, Amanda Andaverde, Tri Delta, Delta Tau Delta, Alpha Kappa Lambda, Alpha Tau Omega, Phi Kappa Tau, Lambda Chi Alpha, Alpha Phi Delta, Phi Gamma Delta, Sigma Nu, Phi Kappa Psi, Jesse M. Vierstra, Kappa Alpha, Fraternity Risk Management Trust, regrettable sex, Fraternal Information and Programming Group, FIPG, chastity, Roe v. Wade, abortion, First Amendment. Fourteenth Amendment, self defense, act of aggression, Douglas Fierberg, Peter Smithhisler, Title IX, Beta Theta Pi, Ron White, Larry The Cable Guy, Hillary Clinton, civil litigation, criminal litigation, due process, Federal Bureau of Prisons, United States Probation, Stephen G. Breyer, United States Court of Appeals for the First Circuit, Supervised Release, United States Sentencing Guidelines, appellate procedure, judicial procedure, criminal procedure, administrative procedure
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